Pure TV Network

Hello darlings. Your favourite runway ripping Rabbit here. What on Earth has happened to Project Runway this season? When they were being yanked back and forth in the tussle between Bravo and Lifetime did they bonk their head??? I thought the crap fashions from the last episode were perhaps cherry poppin’ jitters with the new network, new location, new crackheads designers – but this week, Good Lord, Miss Scarlet!!! Tear them drapes down and cover this mess the hell up. Even my boyfriend seems about over it all – and Tim is usually the nice one…

The challenge for the week was Pregnancy Chic. (I won’t even comment on that one.) They brought out an “actual celebrity” (quoth Heidi) to design for: a very pregnant with twins, Rebecca Romin. They were instructed to create something fashionable with a beautiful silhouette for any occasion on a hundred buck budget. I should have just shot the t.v. right then and there. Fortunately, I was tired last night and the shot gun was in the back room.

From there on out, it just went rollin’ on down the hill like Proud Mary on acid. Rollin’… Rollin’… Rollin’… Away they went to Mood where I am convinced they must pump angeldust through the air-conditioning ducts because every time Qristal gets up in there she goes ape poop bananas… Last week she was snatchin’ scissors out of the package and cuttin’ her own fabric – this week she’s runnin’ in circles, hyperventilating and clucking like a chicken…

Speaking of chickens – and angeldust – back at the lab Malvin the Martian must have misunderstood Pregnancy Chic and heard Pregnancy Chick, instead. Home Grill has decided to run with a “Mother Hen” (seriously, I am not making that up) concept that you know is going to be foul. More on that one later…

Muttering Mitchell that Never Shuts Up has decided to actually clothe his model this week – how novel. He’s decide to make what looks like khaki boom boom shorts, a t-shirt, and a sweater. He sums himself up far better than I ever could: “I don’t want to go out on a limb to win this challenge…” No worries there, kiddo. The shorts he produces from the now weeping sewing machine are beyond enormous. I understand the idea of the swelling of the hiney during the gestation period, but come on!!! You could fit two Nell Carters in there along with Ricki Lake during her John Water’s Hairspray days… Mercy sakes alive, girls. And this is the kid that has previously designed commercially for pregnant women? On what (insanely large) planet?!?!? I don’t even know…

Okay. Boring… Boring… Boring… Cut back to Malvin the Martin and Tim assessing the work (?) in progress. What in gay, barnyard hell is going on? This whackbag has designed the poor girl an egg sac. A giant knitwear egg sac with black feathers underneath – and is planning on jodhpurs so it will look like “chicken thighs.” Even Tim is aghast. Chicken thighs? On the runway??? Tim gently reminds this toon of looney that it is probably not the best of ideas to make a pregnant woman’s rump look any bigger than it already is. Malvin goes on yammering about his concept in Martianese as Tim wanders away to warn one of the other designers, “Don’t be safe. …without being coo-coo. Coo-coo’s already happened.” Never a truer statement uttered in Project Runway history. And we’re only about halfway through the show at this point.

The highlight for me that had me wetting down my own leg in hysterical laughter was during a commercial break. In this midst of all this pregnancy madness appears a commercial for Nuva Ring. I died. I applauded the brilliance of marketing. I had to wonder how many women leapt up and sprinted out their door for the closest Nuva Ring Vending Machine in fear that they would become pregnant and be forced to wear these fashions. It’s better than the scary anatomy lessons they teach in school for sex ed. Show this episode of Project Runway in high schools across the lands and there will never be another child born – EVER! The Earth’s population will stop growing altogether in a single season!!! Who knew? Sales for birth control will now skyrocket thanks to our illustrious designers…

To be continued – on the runway. I need a drink.