Well, there goes an hour of my life I can never get back.  With only 13 golden tickets being handed out over the 2 days of auditions, you would think they would show all of them instead of a few of them and, yes, back to the old formula, they showed mostly the awful auditions.  I know, I know, some may think well, what choice did they have with so many thousands of awful auditions? but one of the choices would be to show all 13 of the good ones as well.

They opened the show with many contestant hopefuls dropping the F Bomb and giving the Double Finger, the gratuitous Frank Sinatra “Chicago” song playing in the background and the equally gratuitous Obama shot.   I’m already ready to turn the show off.

Kara tries not to show how jealous she really is by overdoing it on how much she “loves” Shania.  Shania tells us how she peed herself once during an audition and I think I could have gone my entire life without ever having known that.  I wonder if she knows Fergie?

Despite that,  Shania Twain is both lovely and intelligent at the task at hand as guest judge.  I really enjoyed her tonight.

Broken Home Girl is up first (Kaitlin Epperly).  I couldn’t help but root for her to be really good, good enough to win, so that when she does, her dad can kick himself in the butt the same way the father of Fantasia’s little girl must have when he watched her win $1,000,000.  hee hee hee, I’m sooooo bad.   Kaitlin is not only pretty, but she’s talented and gets 4 yeses and is “going to HOLLYWOOOOOOOOD” as they all say.

Amy Lang….what can I say about Amy?  Her talent appears to be some awful thing she does with her boobs.  She starts her audition with a fake dead faint then starts singing then does the boob flex and proves in the end that she’s just a boob.  Out she goes.

16 year old Charity Vance sings Summertime and is REALLY good.  HOLLYWOOOOOOOD here she comes.

Then we have the crazy accordion lady, the bride, the screaming Asian guy and the girl in the pretty yellow dress and pink shoes whom Simon told was “A complete and utter waste of time.”  And I’m thinking “Oh, Man, I promised Janet that they weren’t doing this stuff this year and convinced her to watch the audition shows again.  She’s going to kill me tomorrow!!”

Then there’s Angela Martin.  Remember her from Season 7 (her dad died while she was at the Hollywood rounds), she has a beautiful daughter with a disability, Season 8 (she had to leave Hollywood to answer a summons for not paying her parking tickets) and now Season 9…..Just Fine!!  She’s through.  Here’s hoping the third time’s a charm for her.  I hope she makes it through.  She’s sweet, pretty and talented and enough is enough already.  She’s due for her big break.

Back to the bad stuff.  “Curly” Newborn left Moe and Larry outside and “sang” in such a high voice that the dogs in my neighborhood were all barking.  In fact, Simon asked him if all sorts of animals gather around his house when he’s singing at home.  Inbred yellow toothed Brian Krauss is up next.  You just know he’s going to act like an idiot and he doesn’t disappoint.  After a lame attempt at phony respect (“Mr. Cowell, Mr. Jackson, Miss Twain” and I can’t spell Kara’s last name…), he sings Tiptoe Through The Tulips and is even worse than Tiny Tim if you can imagine that.  (Oh, Janet, forgive me please.)

Harold Davis says he’s tired of microwave dinners and wants steak and he holds a note for like…..forever…and that’s not a good thing.  He has a not so great voice with way too much vibrato, gets 4 No’s and cries his eyes out.  Seriously, he broke down crying.  I hope his friends aren’t watching.

John Park…FINALLY one of the 13.  He sings beautifully at the “bottom end, has nice lips and a beautiful voice”, all this according to Shania who loved him so.  4 yeses.

Paige Deschausse has asthma and almost died.  While that was a sad yet happy ending story, I’m getting tired of people using, as another blogger named Jacob put it, “the victim card.”  She sings Long Time Coming by Sam Cooke.  She sang it while holding her red asthma inhaler.  Makes me wonder how that’s going to work if she wins and plays Madison Square Garden.  Anyhow, Simon bites his nails over the ensuing debate to put her through.  He was really funny.  Her voice wasn’t strong enough, but she’s through and I predict she won’t make it past Hollywood boot camp.

Justin Ray, very bad wig or else even worse real hair, makes it through as does Keith Sample and Marcus Jones. 

Here’s hoping that Wednesday night’s show will have some more of the talent, at least in equal proportion to the bad ones.